Dear 2013

when i started this year with the faith goal of facing it "bravely", i seriously had no idea how i would do it. i had no idea what i was up to. the challenges you had for me. the fears i would be facing. the ways on how i would be dealing with courage. in that moment i just thought, well, this is a good assignment to take on for the year. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

now looking back, i never thought accepting that challenge would be my first "bravery" act. being the OC that i am, i always prefer to know details before giving my yes. but with this, blinded and taking everything by faith, i just went on with it. i'm glad i did. yes, i'm glad that i started the year willing to take risks and just let God lead me through. well, so we've got a good start there huh, haha.

i'm thankful that you've taken me beyond my limits, my capabilities, and most importantly beyond my fears. your year may not have been the best one, nor the worst, but you've been like one of those "necessary measures" that i had to take to be able to become better, stronger, more equipped and prepared. going through this journey, you've made me realize what else i can do and who i can still be. you've given me instances ranging from easy-peasy to ultimately heart-breaking that proved my courage. you've brought me to mourning day and night, but i've seen more of God's love holding me on. oh 2013 you've never been easy; truly tough, but the results are worth going through those pains.

you've taught me how to face my fears, and now i've never been as encouraged to deal with them. you've brought me to a deep loss, yet you've showed me what else i have to look after. you've given me a lot, but you also took away, keeping me reminded that things will come and go. you've shown me worthy ones to keep and those whom will stand by me no matter what. most of all, you've proven that God will be forever faithful - in the highs and lows, in joy and in tears, in abundance and in emptiness.

i'm grateful to where you've taken me in this life's journey. your chapter may have already been done, but i will forever carry those lessons you've had for me. you have brought change in my life that i am grateful for and growth that would prove how i'll be standing in the future storms. i may not be completely fear-free, but definitely fearless in dealing with them. courage has proven its existence in my life, and being brave will now be part of dealing whatever this life has to offer.

THANK YOU, 2013! you've made me conquer fears and take on bravery. faith goal achieved! your life lessons will definitely come in handy this new season. i am now more confident in facing 2014, with God's promises of "new" things.

"But forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." ~ Isaiah 43:18-19 NLT

adios, 2013 - OLA 2014!
CHEERS FOR THE NEW YEAR, NEW BREAKTHROUGHS!

#bravery2013: the AGP week

it has been a month since the AGP week. i really wanted to blog about the whole experience while we were there, but actually until now i still cannot describe how amazing it was. it's like you have to be there to fully understand what i mean, hehe. but well yeah, the least i can do to "bring" you there with me is to share about it. so here i am, recalling that whole week a month ago, which still seems to me like it was just.. last week.

i still cannot get over the overwhelming fact that i've been there in Hong Kong to go through the Asian Grand Prix. so many times i've srsly wished that it would just be a "pleasure" trip of just shopping, going around, relaxing in a different city, and all that tourist thingy. even though that was what i really wanted to do, i know it won't be as memorable. those shopping and #RealLifeHK adventures were just "side features" of an already remarkable trip.

and as you've read on my previous entries (in case you haven't, do it like NOW before you proceed! hehe joke lang but GO), taking on to this assignment was more than having my first competition experience. it was really a gesture of me conquering my fears. going through the process was tougher than actually dancing on the competition stage. seeing my competitors was less frightening than facing the finances i would have to complete to be able to leave. and when i finally got there, i really couldn't hold my tears back anymore realizing how God has brought me to such a height just to mold me to become better. there was nothing that can ever stop me anymore from fulfilling what He has called me to do.

the Acts Manila team upon arrival at the Hong Kong airport

so anyway. we arrived a day before the actual competition date, giving us enough time to settle in, rest, and go around. since our (senior division) competition wasn't until Thursday (we arrived Monday), we had like 3 days of "freedom", hehe. we went to Mongkok on Monday - first stop was H&M! Tuesday, we decided to check out Cotton On in the Central district, but we got lost in those huge stores of Louis Vuitton, Tiffany & Co., Georgio Armani.. you name it. so we ended up going straight to our main destination in Causeway Bay - Forever21! 4 floors of shopping heaven that we had to go through in a limited time, haha. and since the competition officially opened Tuesday, we were at the Y-Theater that evening to support the Junior As - Lormaigne, Pia, Claire, and Alex for their elimination round. it was my first time to see those foreign competitors and whoa those kids, it's amazing what they can already do at ages 10-12! when i was their age, my dancing was still just for "fun" and something i do at the sides, but with them it seems like they were already born for it. and mind you, that wasn't only for the girls, but there were boys too who were serious about their dancing as well! i wonder where they get it at that age? (their dedication, i mean. and maybe also their extensive abilities too good for their age hahaha)

at the Y-Theatre, AGP competition venue

the most convenient transportation in HK - the MTR!
no hassle in getting to the theatre + back to the hotel, and we didn't get lost when we went around to shop -
follow the stations and remember the exits, haha!

we woke up Wednesday morning with the news that HK is under typhoon signal number 8. we should be panicking, right? but maybe since because we were raised in the Philippines, we were really wondering, "eto na yung signal number 8?! eh mas-malakas pa low pressure area satin dito eh!" yeah, i still don't understand how they "measure" their typhoons, but srsly they were too cautious about the effects it might bring. we've gathered that before they had a really bad typhoon that they weren't warned about and they were badly damaged. i guess they learned from that and became more prepared, better than being sorry. (i wonder kelan kaya mangyayari yun in the Philippines? after so manyyyyyyy typhoons, wala pa ring "lesson learned"?!) so anyway, since it was typhoon 8, there were work suspensions and some closed stores. even the competition schedule for the day had to be adjusted. we had to stay in the whole morning, waiting for announcements about the typhoon and the final schedule for the day. around 2pm, they lifted the typhoon 8 signal and lowered it, thus allowing some work to resume and the competition to proceed as well. good thing the only division scheduled for that day was the Junior B, no other major adjustment except that the whole thing would end later than the original schedule. there were over 70 competitors for that division, having 3 batches, where Steffi, Abby, Kiara, Bianchi, Joshua, Danina, and Iñigo competed from our group. watching that division, i became more nervous for me, haha! expectations were becoming higher as the competitors get older, and srsly they're all so technically good - thin and loooooong bodies with BOTH extensions and turns! though there were good ones, there were really meh (aka not-so-good) ones too. watching the competition enabled me to gain a "technical" eye, seeing what we can still possibly push ourselves to do and improve.

the Junior Bs - Steffi, Abby, Kiara, and Bianchi

and our turn has finally arrived - Thursday. we had to prepare early to leave for the theatre a little after lunch. our competition schedule came in right after Junior C, so too bad we weren't able to watch that division, where Carla, Patricia, Cheska, Sofia, and Jayson competed. so anyway. we had our own warm up class and rehearsal at the studio. then we were called to finally come down to the theatre. we had 15 minutes to "feel" the stage before we start. i say only "feel" because everyone's there too and you won't have the luxury of space to complete the variation. it was only enough to look for center, where to spot, determine where to go. not even block completely, haha. so anyway. while waiting at wings, i was really praying in tongues the whole time because i can't manage my nerves anymore, haha. i get more nervous while waiting. when it was finally my turn, all i was able to tell myself was, "and to my fears, i'm gonna conquer you now."

with Shek and Melvin during our studio rehearsal before our competition turn!

there was nothing spectacular that i did with my variation, and it didn't even feel perfect afterwards. i didn't slip either, miss a step, or even had a bad ending. all i felt right after was that i was drained. i was soooo tired that i just wanted to leave the theatre right away, dive in bed, and sleep in the hotel. that kind of tired. but all i know after i exited the stage, i was able to fulfill what God has called me to do. and with that, i felt satisfied. all i was able to say was, "thank you, Lord!" as i was catching my breath. i felt i gave Him glory for completing the task that was assigned for me. too many times along the way, i kept forgetting why i was competing and thus letting myself drown in frustrations. but after that moment, i knew i was able accomplish why i was there. and to my fears, i know i've WON over them! by the grace of God.. all because of the grace of God i conquered!

i didn't get through eliminations, so that was the only competition day for me. i felt sad though that i didn't get to perform my second variation, Dryad Queen from Don Quixote (i did Bluebird variation from Sleeping Beauty for eliminations), and even wear my beautiful tutu for that. :( anyway. with what i've realized from being on the competition itself, expectations do really get higher with age. i was the oldest girl from our division (being the last to perform). and since there were younger dancers (and some were waaaaay better - ehem, Joy Womack, 19, from Bolshoi Theatre!), they'd assume i've danced and trained the longest, thus having more expectations from my performance. and that also, dancers who perform more often have an edge in executing cleaner and more refined variations.

our only (and not really clear huhuhu) photo with Joy Womack, the American dancer from Bolshoi Theatre!
she won the highest / over-all Asian Grand Prix Award for this year :")

we were then on a "relax" mode Friday, since we don't have to feel the competition pressure anymore for ourselves, haha. we watched the master classes the next day, for Junior B and Seniors, and the semi-final round too. after, we went back to Mongkok to finally buy some things we weren't able to buy the first time since we were saving our money, haha. we also got to try some legit milk tea + some street food. we indeed went to being adventurous that day, haha. and of course, adventures won't be complete without a hilarious moment at the MTR (clue: Jimmy Neutron hahahahaha). for Saturday, we were back to the theatre in the morning for Junior C's master class, their semi-final round, and the final round for the Junior A. and thennnn, returned to a bigger H&M for more shopping, hahaha. (basically we were in the theatre the whole week, seeing classical variations over and over again. i swear i don't want to hear Swan Lakes Pas de Trois variation over the next year. Aurora is next in line haha).

the most epic Friday Mongkok Adventure - shopping + food + the hilarious MTR moment :))
this wins the most tourist-y thing we've done the whole week, hahaha!

and for Sunday, since there was no other agenda but the Gala and Awarding ceremony at night, Shek and i took the advantage of finally sleeping in the whole morning. for lunch, we finally tried their instant noodles from the Wellcome grocery that we've been wanting to experience the whole week hahaha! so anyway, for the Gala night, they showcased previous AGP winners and the principal dancers from the Hong Kong Ballet. and then the awarding came in right after. we had two entries who made it to the final round, Lormaigne and Pia from Junior A, so we were nervous about the results too. it gave me such pride when the Filipino competitors were commended during the speech of the Head Judge, Mr. Gary Tninder. he mentioned something about how they got entertained by the Filipinos the whole week performing with such talent and passion. (there are a lot of Filipino delegates who also participated from Ballet Manila, Steps, and even other ballet schools from the provinces - Cebu, Iloilo, and Baguio. yeah Filipino pride!) but the pride that i felt that's more dear to me was when Pia got announced placing 5th and Lormaigne for the bronze medal - Acts Manila pride, baby! being the youngest in our group, God has blessed them with a reward for using their talents to represent Him and glorify Him in this stage. Soli Deo Gloria! :")

Lormaigne and Pia before their turn for the Junior A finals

the Acts Manila team during the Gala Night / Awarding Ceremony

indeed that week brought me to new experiences, insights, and visions. seeing dancers from other countries enabled me to rethink of my standards and push for my limits, both as a dancer and as a teacher. being there myself is so much different from just hearing about competition stories. when they first came from there in 2011, what Teacher Chelo has been sharing about the mutants seem insignificant, probably because we didn't get to personally see them. but now they are finally real to me because i've already experienced what they can do. being around them pushes you to aim higher and makes you realize that pwede pa pala to, kaya pang gawin!

and with the competition process, i know i became stronger and more importantly, braver. i couldn't imagine any other way where i can experience God working in this area. and all the events that led to this has helped me face my fears with more determination to conquer them. God has been truly faithful, and there's no way i can doubt Him again after what He has done for me this round. no matter what happens, His words will remain true and His promises are always fulfilled.

if i were to do this again.. maybe. if God would then call me to compete, who am i to say no?

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world.. so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, 'Let the one who boasts, boasts in the Lord.'" - 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 ESV

the week that has finally arrived

..and i never thought i would reach this far.

me and Shek on the plane bound for HK!

TOUCHDOWN HK! :)

Monday, August 12 - we arrived here in Hong Kong for the Asian Grand Prix competition that will open Tuesday, August 13. the week that we have been preparing for monthsssss is finally culminating. and in that journey, bittersweet it may seem, God has been truly faithful.

as i've previously shared on this blog, God has given me this assignment to be able to face and conquer my fears. and now the time has come to overcome them onstage. God has already fulfilled His part of answering for all of my needs in this journey. now, i'm holding on to His word that as i finally conquer the stage, His hand won't leave me until the end.

yes, i am so nervous. yes, i am still frightened. yes, i still feel that i am not good enough.
but God being the faithful God that He is, has been giving me strength and courage that i would need. i used to wish for this to be over as soon, but now that the end is approaching, all the more i'm cherishing every single moment there is. this has been a one-of-a-kind experience for me, not only because it is my first, but God has really proven His love and greater plans for me.

i wonder how this will end.
no matter what competition result i would get, i would still be thankful i went through this.
that no matter what happens, i would still be so grateful to have witnessed God's greatness in my life.
because i went through this, i know i've already glorified my God. :")

celebrating not just birth, but a full life

today, you would have been 56. another year would have been added to your precious life, with more days to be able to continue the fight and live honoring God. it would have been another special day to be grateful of renewed hopes and unfailing mercies that He would be faithful in pulling you through.

but no. His precious plan for you was to already be with Him - free from pain, completely healed from your sickness, and receiving that eternal honor to be praising Him face to face. my heart is at peace knowing that instead of celebrating this day in bed, struggling and crying in deep pain, you will finally rejoice in heaven that He has given you a life worth remembering here on earth.

it hasn't been easy since you've been gone July 18. i still think about you being just there in Lola's house; though away from me, but still present. i still can't imagine you being completely gone, that i dread the day of visiting there and not see you. and i don't even know how to face this day - your special day, without being with you.

Mama, if you were alive right now, i'd still wish for you to be completely healed, restored in your physical strength, and able to go through your normal routines. but i guess the answer to our prayers was way better than that. it may be really hard to accept, like how death could be the best way out of pain for you, but i know you are in better hands. i am thankful for the strength and faith you had. for those times that you said you wanted to give up already, you still showed willingness to fight to live for another day. through you, i have found true courage and bravery. your life was all i needed to watch in order for me to know how to face my fears and live resting in His love. you could have done more in 56 years, or greater, but your 55 years were already so full for you've shown us how to live this life.

i miss you, Mama. more and more everyday.
i don't think a "happy birthday" would fit anymore, hehe. can i just say..

THANK YOU FOR LIVING YOUR LIFE LOVING US.
WE CELEBRATE BECAUSE YOU HAVE GIVEN US THE BEST OF YOU.
I LOOOOOVE YOU! :")

the journey to #bravery2013

AAAAAND IT IS FINALLY CONFIRMED!

surreal, yes, it's still surreal. legit, but surreal.

i received this confirmation email a few hours ago after having our forms submitted straight in HK through Shek's mom. i still can't believe that i'm really gonna be competing this August, that i will in fact BRAVE it. God has been so faithful to me for the past weeks, leading me to be at peace with the thought of competition. He first provided for my plane fare + registration fee (just out of nowhere!), and then giving me an assurance of being able to nail those Italian fouettes (during my birthday, indeed wish granted!). even during rehearsals today, i was able to finish the fouettes in 3 consecutive runs of the variation. sige na talaga, surrender na ako kay God!

God is taking me further and beyond my limits this year. going through this is really a major MAJOR breakthrough for me. and it hasn't been easy. i've been down for so many times, my body has been failing too, and i've been really tight with my finances now, knowing the costs i need to cover. looking into it from my own point of view, i know i won't make it. i will tremble in fear and drown in frustrations. but my God is greater than all these, and since He was the one who directed me onto this path, i know He will not forsake me.

and as Teacher Chelo would say, the PROCESS is the most important prize. and i believe God has far more rewards for me than just the medals and titles. so here's to a journey of bravery - of conquering fears and increasing in faith, of experiencing fulfilled promises! let's do this together, my Lord!

"So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." 

- Isaiah 41:10

Scripture reassures us, "No one who trusts God like this - heart and soul - will ever regret it."

..the same God for all of us, acting the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help. 
"Everyone who calls 'Help, God!' gets help."

- Romans 10:11-13, MSG

PS. please keep me in your prayers. it would really help a lot and i would be forever grateful. <3 a total of 13 or 14 will be going from our camp to compete, so please include them as well. Acts Manila represent, woo! :")

under God's grace

when this day started, i never expected it would turn out the way it did.

i was assigned to substitute for classes in Makati, somewhere i wasn't familiar with. i said yes yesterday as i got clear instructions on how to get there. around 6am, i woke up to the sound of heavy rains. i really don't like rains at all; i've never been a fan of rainy days (i'm grateful for them and at times i do admire them, but really not a "rain-person", if there's such thing). while half-awake, i was praying really hard that it would stop, thinking about what i have to go through this day.

when i finally woke up around 9am to prepare myself and get ready, the rain isn't getting better. i felt so stressed and started worrying too much about what might happen to me. yes, i even thought of getting stranded in that unknown place, with no one to call and rescue me. (my brain in total panic mode, haha!) i even asked if the classes are suspended, but sadly i got "no" for an answer. i prayed REALLY hard for one thing: please let the rain stop, dear Lord.

and.. it wasn't stopping. from time to time, it was getting harder and harder, which made me get really stressed. feeling so helpless, tears suddenly fell from my eyes. i didn't know anymore what to pray for. when Teacher Chelo called me, i had nothing to say; i didn't know if i would want to back out or just go through this. her prayer strengthened me, and her words of encouragement allowed me to "give it a try". when the rain calmed down, i finally decided to leave the house.

while i was still in the south area, it was still raining. not as hard, but my prayer of asking it to stop still unanswered. approaching Makati area, the skies were brighter and clearer - i had hope. when i got off the bus, i was relieved to see and feel no rain. God has answered me. while walking along Jupiter Street to find the building, i suddenly found a Serenitea store. i smiled thinking, God loves me. i bought myself mango milk tea (i LOVE their mix of mango milk tea! so good!) to comfort me that stressful morning. when i finally got to find the building (it wasn't too far walk, and not so hard to find, thank God!), i still had time to grab some lunch and calm myself down. time check: sometime before 12:30, class is still at 2. while inside Starbucks having lunch, i was trying to compose and relax myself. i'm grateful that i was able to get where i'm supposed to be - on time, no rain, and i have milk tea. :")

but my worries didn't stop, despite having experienced already God's goodness. the day wasn't over - i still had to rush back to Alabang for modern class. thoughts of rain and getting stranded still bugging me. when i finally finished the last class at 5pm, i first looked outside the window for any signs of rain. there was none. i felt relieved. as what Teacher Chelo said reminded me earlier that day, God will cover me no matter what happens. upon reaching the south, i suddenly felt the feeling of being "home" - safe and secure. nothing beats the feeling of being in a familiar place.

looking back on what happened today, i just felt i was under God's grace the whole time. His way of not answering my prayer of letting the rain stop right away made me trust in Him more. during my helplessness, He carried me through. He proved to me that He is greater than my fears, and most of all, i am not, and will never be, alone.

one thing i need to learn is to trust God RIGHT AWAY. my own fears took over before my trust in Him. i can hear God saying now, "I've done so many unexpected things for you already, how come you still don't trust me right away?" with everything that happened this day already behind me, i can finally see how panicky and fearful i was, hehe. but i'm really grateful that despite me not getting God's lesson right away, God has been really patient in dealing with me.

and, nothing beats the feeling of realizing that you are under the grace of God - bounded and protected by His love. keep my heart, O Lord, quick to trust in You and my ears swift to hear Your comforting voice.

that sign of love in where i thought was a "hopeless" place.
thank you Lord for that Sereni-treat! :")

odontectomy: an epic surgery

"Odontectomy: the extraction of a tooth by removal of the bone from around the roots before force is applied."

April 4 2012, the date I set for my wisdom tooth extraction (which was scientifically or technically called odontectomy). The growing wisdom tooth wasn't coming out straight; it was tilted, causing my other teeth to move and crowd. That's why I had to have it removed right away so I won't need braces. That's another story if it happens.

Yes, I was nervous. Yes, I was freaking out. Until the last minute, I was thinking of backing out and not pushing through with it. I was about to face my greatest fears: injections, surgeries, blood. Basically, anything that is PAINFUL.. I fear.

So anyway, I sat there shaking and praying. First thing I had to face was the anesthesia injection. Felt the pain of the injection, but fine, I was able to handle. Took sometime before it became numb that the dentist had to inject more anesthesia (which I didn't get to feel that much anymore, thank God.) As she started with the surgery, I was still shaking. My eyes were closed the whole time, for I didn't want to see anything that was going on. The fact that I hear all those digging / grinding noises I was already freaking out, what more seeing those tools that she's using. I could've fainted. (K, exaggeration a little, but srsly feel my FEAR! hahaha!) Anyway, when the dentist was starting to put pressure and force on the tooth, I was crying in pain. Already in tears, she decided to give me another shot of anesthesia. I've had like 4 or 5 total anesthesia shots yesterday! After the last one, I didn't get to feel much pain, just the pressure to move the tooth around. When she finally pulled it out, I didn't feel anything (thank you, anesthesia). She explained to me after that she had to "rotate" the tooth to make it upright before pulling it out. The rotating part was the MOST PAINFUL one, with all those hard pressure exerted just to make it upright.

my wisdom tooth with long "legs" and pointy edges.
i didn't expect it to be THAT big. and with roots THAT long. 

I felt so drained right after, pale and weak. It took me sometime to recover. I sat there on the dentist's chair and wanting to sleep! Thinking about what I went through, I'm thankful that God gave me the strength to face my fears. He gave me the strength to survive. And yeah, maybe I was courageous enough to go through it, haha! Now my prayer is that my other 3 wisdom teeth would grow normally. In truth, I don't like to go through another surgery like this! Please, my heart.. it might fail already next time! Haha.

I knew this coming year would challenge me to face most of my fears. Even I don't get to blog about every single fear I've already encountered, I'm thankful that God is going through every single fear with me. And I know, there are more to come. One more down, a lot more to go.

One tooth down, PLEASE LET THAT BE THE LAST ONE.

And PS. I feel food deprived. I can eat only soup. And ice cream. I am so hungry. :(