My Midnight Miracle

I was ready to cry. I was already preparing myself to mourn and express my heartbreak.

It was already past midnight when i decided to bring out my laptop from my bag. I wanted to ignore it. But, there was this nudge i felt that i had to open it.

I never thought i would be sharing this story this way. I was not ready for the surprise.

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It all started Sunday last week when i woke up. I immediately checked on my computer because i left it open during the night to finish downloading. I clicked on the trackpad, and nothing showed up on the screen. I thought maybe the battery got drained, so i plugged it in. The charger indicated an orange light, so i assumed it was just low batt. A few more minutes, i tried turning it back on again - there was still nothing. No sound, no light indicator, no white screen. I panicked. Just a month ago, i had another laptop trouble with my hard drive failing. I can't afford (financially and emotionally haha) to go through it again, and there were still some things i needed to finish. I waited again. After some time, the charger indicated green, so i assumed it was fully charged. I pressed the power button again. Still, no sign of life. I prayed. Cried. And eventually gave up for the day.

I brought it to the service repair center the next day. There was still no sign of life even though they tried to do some troubleshooting. I left it with them for diagnosis, and anxiously waited for their email regarding the matter.

Thursday arrived and the email came in. I was in shock with the ridiculous amount i had to spend for the repair and replacement. Because there was still no power and anything that appeared on the computer as the engineer checked, they diagnosed my laptop for MLB (macbook logic board - the main thing that keeps the laptop working. it's a major MAJOR part, so if it fails, that's the end of it. and it's very very expensive!) and battery replacement. The cost reached about 36 thousand pesos. Of course i totally freaked out because there's no way i can avail of that repair. I also called in the supplier where i bought my laptop to ask for their opinion. And when i told them about the diagnosis, the reaction i got was - "Oh my gosh, dear! Wala na yan!"

And that was it. They said it would be wiser to buy a new one, since the repair costs like having a new one too. That day was too depressing for me. There was nothing i can do to save it and just accept the reality of it being "dead" and useless. My prayer that day was seeking God for His plan about this. I cannot afford to buy yet a new one. I told myself - "If God let this happen, I'm sure there will be a way out." Even though it was really heartbreaking, i decided to trust God for His plan. "There's no need to rush" was something that i kept on hearing during the anxiety of the moment. And so i just waited.

With the news, i wasn't even looking forward to even claiming back my laptop from the service center. I was thinking that there will be no more use for it since it has no working part anymore. But anyway, i still decided to get it since i wanted to have a "proper closure" (yes, i am too attached like that haha) with it. While at the service center, i was told that even they - being the LEGIT Apple center - do not recommend MLB replacement. There was no assurance that the replaced part would function well and it was really costly to have it done. I asked about what else i can do with the laptop, and they said nothing else but it was already for disposal. Lost hope there again. So i claimed my "dead" laptop, with the hard drive removed because they found out it was still working.

I kept myself busy when i got home, trying to ignore the fact that i have to face my laptop again. It was already past twelve midnight when i decided to take it out from my bag. I brought it out from the bubble wrap pack and just had a sense to open it for the last time. To my greatest surprise, i heard the start-up sound and the white screen appeared. After a while, it went black again. A sign of hope! I turned it on again and again, but during the first few times the screen was just turning to white and then off. Until there was this time that a folder with a question mark appeared blinking on the screen where the Apple logo should be. I immediately thought about the removed hard drive, so i decided to unscrew the back of the laptop and place it back in.

I opened the laptop again and stared at the screen of what seemed like the longest seconds of my life waiting for something to appear. And there it was - the Apple logo and the loading circle. I whispered my first "oh my gosh". It took another while and the log-in screen appeared. I typed in my password and voila - the desktop appeared. Another "OH MY GOSH" moment. I was in total shock of what had just happened. I cannot believe that it FINALLY opened, and when i was going through it, it seemed to work just as fine and normally.

I know there was no other explanation on how it worked aside from the hand of God. There was nothing else that it can be called but a miracle. When there was no other way and means in this world, God has His own. When everything around was hopeless, God renewed my hope in Him.

With what happened, i think God wanted me to believe in miracles again. God wanted to remind me of His presence alive and working in my life. It may be a painful way to experience His reminder, but it was such an amazing revelation to me. I always try to fix things on my own that i depend too much on my abilities and resources. But God suddenly meddles in, taking the lead out of my hand, teaching me to depend solely on Him, and humbling me to rely only in His sovereignty. It gave me a new confidence in putting my trust in Him.

I was too happy last night that i could not even sleep, haha. Indeed all glory goes back to God, and only Him deserves all the praise. Typing this entry and sharing it to the world is an effect of this miracle. I thought i would never be able to see life in this unit again - but PRAISE GOD, His works are beyond our understanding.

THANK YOU, LORD! I DON'T DESERVE THIS BUT YOU STILL DID IT FOR ME. :")
And thank you also for this encouraging word, that i felt it being so much alive in my life right now. Your TRUTH always prevails.

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty Savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." - Zephaniah 3:17 NLT

Dear 2013

when i started this year with the faith goal of facing it "bravely", i seriously had no idea how i would do it. i had no idea what i was up to. the challenges you had for me. the fears i would be facing. the ways on how i would be dealing with courage. in that moment i just thought, well, this is a good assignment to take on for the year. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

now looking back, i never thought accepting that challenge would be my first "bravery" act. being the OC that i am, i always prefer to know details before giving my yes. but with this, blinded and taking everything by faith, i just went on with it. i'm glad i did. yes, i'm glad that i started the year willing to take risks and just let God lead me through. well, so we've got a good start there huh, haha.

i'm thankful that you've taken me beyond my limits, my capabilities, and most importantly beyond my fears. your year may not have been the best one, nor the worst, but you've been like one of those "necessary measures" that i had to take to be able to become better, stronger, more equipped and prepared. going through this journey, you've made me realize what else i can do and who i can still be. you've given me instances ranging from easy-peasy to ultimately heart-breaking that proved my courage. you've brought me to mourning day and night, but i've seen more of God's love holding me on. oh 2013 you've never been easy; truly tough, but the results are worth going through those pains.

you've taught me how to face my fears, and now i've never been as encouraged to deal with them. you've brought me to a deep loss, yet you've showed me what else i have to look after. you've given me a lot, but you also took away, keeping me reminded that things will come and go. you've shown me worthy ones to keep and those whom will stand by me no matter what. most of all, you've proven that God will be forever faithful - in the highs and lows, in joy and in tears, in abundance and in emptiness.

i'm grateful to where you've taken me in this life's journey. your chapter may have already been done, but i will forever carry those lessons you've had for me. you have brought change in my life that i am grateful for and growth that would prove how i'll be standing in the future storms. i may not be completely fear-free, but definitely fearless in dealing with them. courage has proven its existence in my life, and being brave will now be part of dealing whatever this life has to offer.

THANK YOU, 2013! you've made me conquer fears and take on bravery. faith goal achieved! your life lessons will definitely come in handy this new season. i am now more confident in facing 2014, with God's promises of "new" things.

"But forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." ~ Isaiah 43:18-19 NLT

adios, 2013 - OLA 2014!
CHEERS FOR THE NEW YEAR, NEW BREAKTHROUGHS!

the wonderful news about the love of God

i was going through Dug Down Deep by Joshua Harris this morning, and i was on the chapter discussing about God in His greatness yet being so personal with us.

i know it struck me already the first time i read it, but this morning it gave me a different feel. on his discussion about God's love, i just had to stop and meditate on what His love is really about.

the lines from the book that got me:

"The love of God is wonderful news only when we understand his transcendence - when we tremble at his holiness, when we're awed by his perfection and power. God's love is perceived as amazing only when we realize that the one thing we truly deserve from him is righteous wrath and eternal punishment for our disobedience and loyalty."

most of us think that His love for us is something about us - we being lost creatures and bound to die, and because He doesn't want that to happen, He demonstrated His love for us by sending His Son, Jesus Christ. BUT God doesn't need us to be able to justify his being God. His love for us is for His eternal glory, that through our lives we would reveal His goodness and grace.

as humans we are sinners, considered as God's "enemies" for He hates sin.
so we do not deserve His love, yet it is freely available to us.
His love defines our salvation, our eternal gratitude for being rescued from hell and living in worship in heaven.

yes, we do always hear people saying that "God loves us". at times when we receive blessings, we always claim that "God loves me". and also, we encourage others with "God loves you" when we feel that they need to hear it. but do we really understand for ourselves what His love means to us?

Understanding the love of God (view on my instagram)

His love for us should not make us boast that a God is in love with a mere human, but rather it should make us fall on our knees, realizing that we don't deserve anything from a Holy God. His love should leave us amazed at His goodness.

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than angels and crowned them with glory and honor." - Psalm 8:3-5

"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so no one need to be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again." - John 3:16-17 MSG

"But the greatest glory of the Cross is what it tells me about God. A God of justice and mercy. A God who loved helpless sinners like me so much that he came to die so we could be free to know and worship him for eternity." - Joshua Harris, Dug Down Deep (Chapter 3: Near But Not in My Pocket)

#bravery2013: the AGP week

it has been a month since the AGP week. i really wanted to blog about the whole experience while we were there, but actually until now i still cannot describe how amazing it was. it's like you have to be there to fully understand what i mean, hehe. but well yeah, the least i can do to "bring" you there with me is to share about it. so here i am, recalling that whole week a month ago, which still seems to me like it was just.. last week.

i still cannot get over the overwhelming fact that i've been there in Hong Kong to go through the Asian Grand Prix. so many times i've srsly wished that it would just be a "pleasure" trip of just shopping, going around, relaxing in a different city, and all that tourist thingy. even though that was what i really wanted to do, i know it won't be as memorable. those shopping and #RealLifeHK adventures were just "side features" of an already remarkable trip.

and as you've read on my previous entries (in case you haven't, do it like NOW before you proceed! hehe joke lang but GO), taking on to this assignment was more than having my first competition experience. it was really a gesture of me conquering my fears. going through the process was tougher than actually dancing on the competition stage. seeing my competitors was less frightening than facing the finances i would have to complete to be able to leave. and when i finally got there, i really couldn't hold my tears back anymore realizing how God has brought me to such a height just to mold me to become better. there was nothing that can ever stop me anymore from fulfilling what He has called me to do.

the Acts Manila team upon arrival at the Hong Kong airport

so anyway. we arrived a day before the actual competition date, giving us enough time to settle in, rest, and go around. since our (senior division) competition wasn't until Thursday (we arrived Monday), we had like 3 days of "freedom", hehe. we went to Mongkok on Monday - first stop was H&M! Tuesday, we decided to check out Cotton On in the Central district, but we got lost in those huge stores of Louis Vuitton, Tiffany & Co., Georgio Armani.. you name it. so we ended up going straight to our main destination in Causeway Bay - Forever21! 4 floors of shopping heaven that we had to go through in a limited time, haha. and since the competition officially opened Tuesday, we were at the Y-Theater that evening to support the Junior As - Lormaigne, Pia, Claire, and Alex for their elimination round. it was my first time to see those foreign competitors and whoa those kids, it's amazing what they can already do at ages 10-12! when i was their age, my dancing was still just for "fun" and something i do at the sides, but with them it seems like they were already born for it. and mind you, that wasn't only for the girls, but there were boys too who were serious about their dancing as well! i wonder where they get it at that age? (their dedication, i mean. and maybe also their extensive abilities too good for their age hahaha)

at the Y-Theatre, AGP competition venue

the most convenient transportation in HK - the MTR!
no hassle in getting to the theatre + back to the hotel, and we didn't get lost when we went around to shop -
follow the stations and remember the exits, haha!

we woke up Wednesday morning with the news that HK is under typhoon signal number 8. we should be panicking, right? but maybe since because we were raised in the Philippines, we were really wondering, "eto na yung signal number 8?! eh mas-malakas pa low pressure area satin dito eh!" yeah, i still don't understand how they "measure" their typhoons, but srsly they were too cautious about the effects it might bring. we've gathered that before they had a really bad typhoon that they weren't warned about and they were badly damaged. i guess they learned from that and became more prepared, better than being sorry. (i wonder kelan kaya mangyayari yun in the Philippines? after so manyyyyyyy typhoons, wala pa ring "lesson learned"?!) so anyway, since it was typhoon 8, there were work suspensions and some closed stores. even the competition schedule for the day had to be adjusted. we had to stay in the whole morning, waiting for announcements about the typhoon and the final schedule for the day. around 2pm, they lifted the typhoon 8 signal and lowered it, thus allowing some work to resume and the competition to proceed as well. good thing the only division scheduled for that day was the Junior B, no other major adjustment except that the whole thing would end later than the original schedule. there were over 70 competitors for that division, having 3 batches, where Steffi, Abby, Kiara, Bianchi, Joshua, Danina, and Iñigo competed from our group. watching that division, i became more nervous for me, haha! expectations were becoming higher as the competitors get older, and srsly they're all so technically good - thin and loooooong bodies with BOTH extensions and turns! though there were good ones, there were really meh (aka not-so-good) ones too. watching the competition enabled me to gain a "technical" eye, seeing what we can still possibly push ourselves to do and improve.

the Junior Bs - Steffi, Abby, Kiara, and Bianchi

and our turn has finally arrived - Thursday. we had to prepare early to leave for the theatre a little after lunch. our competition schedule came in right after Junior C, so too bad we weren't able to watch that division, where Carla, Patricia, Cheska, Sofia, and Jayson competed. so anyway. we had our own warm up class and rehearsal at the studio. then we were called to finally come down to the theatre. we had 15 minutes to "feel" the stage before we start. i say only "feel" because everyone's there too and you won't have the luxury of space to complete the variation. it was only enough to look for center, where to spot, determine where to go. not even block completely, haha. so anyway. while waiting at wings, i was really praying in tongues the whole time because i can't manage my nerves anymore, haha. i get more nervous while waiting. when it was finally my turn, all i was able to tell myself was, "and to my fears, i'm gonna conquer you now."

with Shek and Melvin during our studio rehearsal before our competition turn!

there was nothing spectacular that i did with my variation, and it didn't even feel perfect afterwards. i didn't slip either, miss a step, or even had a bad ending. all i felt right after was that i was drained. i was soooo tired that i just wanted to leave the theatre right away, dive in bed, and sleep in the hotel. that kind of tired. but all i know after i exited the stage, i was able to fulfill what God has called me to do. and with that, i felt satisfied. all i was able to say was, "thank you, Lord!" as i was catching my breath. i felt i gave Him glory for completing the task that was assigned for me. too many times along the way, i kept forgetting why i was competing and thus letting myself drown in frustrations. but after that moment, i knew i was able accomplish why i was there. and to my fears, i know i've WON over them! by the grace of God.. all because of the grace of God i conquered!

i didn't get through eliminations, so that was the only competition day for me. i felt sad though that i didn't get to perform my second variation, Dryad Queen from Don Quixote (i did Bluebird variation from Sleeping Beauty for eliminations), and even wear my beautiful tutu for that. :( anyway. with what i've realized from being on the competition itself, expectations do really get higher with age. i was the oldest girl from our division (being the last to perform). and since there were younger dancers (and some were waaaaay better - ehem, Joy Womack, 19, from Bolshoi Theatre!), they'd assume i've danced and trained the longest, thus having more expectations from my performance. and that also, dancers who perform more often have an edge in executing cleaner and more refined variations.

our only (and not really clear huhuhu) photo with Joy Womack, the American dancer from Bolshoi Theatre!
she won the highest / over-all Asian Grand Prix Award for this year :")

we were then on a "relax" mode Friday, since we don't have to feel the competition pressure anymore for ourselves, haha. we watched the master classes the next day, for Junior B and Seniors, and the semi-final round too. after, we went back to Mongkok to finally buy some things we weren't able to buy the first time since we were saving our money, haha. we also got to try some legit milk tea + some street food. we indeed went to being adventurous that day, haha. and of course, adventures won't be complete without a hilarious moment at the MTR (clue: Jimmy Neutron hahahahaha). for Saturday, we were back to the theatre in the morning for Junior C's master class, their semi-final round, and the final round for the Junior A. and thennnn, returned to a bigger H&M for more shopping, hahaha. (basically we were in the theatre the whole week, seeing classical variations over and over again. i swear i don't want to hear Swan Lakes Pas de Trois variation over the next year. Aurora is next in line haha).

the most epic Friday Mongkok Adventure - shopping + food + the hilarious MTR moment :))
this wins the most tourist-y thing we've done the whole week, hahaha!

and for Sunday, since there was no other agenda but the Gala and Awarding ceremony at night, Shek and i took the advantage of finally sleeping in the whole morning. for lunch, we finally tried their instant noodles from the Wellcome grocery that we've been wanting to experience the whole week hahaha! so anyway, for the Gala night, they showcased previous AGP winners and the principal dancers from the Hong Kong Ballet. and then the awarding came in right after. we had two entries who made it to the final round, Lormaigne and Pia from Junior A, so we were nervous about the results too. it gave me such pride when the Filipino competitors were commended during the speech of the Head Judge, Mr. Gary Tninder. he mentioned something about how they got entertained by the Filipinos the whole week performing with such talent and passion. (there are a lot of Filipino delegates who also participated from Ballet Manila, Steps, and even other ballet schools from the provinces - Cebu, Iloilo, and Baguio. yeah Filipino pride!) but the pride that i felt that's more dear to me was when Pia got announced placing 5th and Lormaigne for the bronze medal - Acts Manila pride, baby! being the youngest in our group, God has blessed them with a reward for using their talents to represent Him and glorify Him in this stage. Soli Deo Gloria! :")

Lormaigne and Pia before their turn for the Junior A finals

the Acts Manila team during the Gala Night / Awarding Ceremony

indeed that week brought me to new experiences, insights, and visions. seeing dancers from other countries enabled me to rethink of my standards and push for my limits, both as a dancer and as a teacher. being there myself is so much different from just hearing about competition stories. when they first came from there in 2011, what Teacher Chelo has been sharing about the mutants seem insignificant, probably because we didn't get to personally see them. but now they are finally real to me because i've already experienced what they can do. being around them pushes you to aim higher and makes you realize that pwede pa pala to, kaya pang gawin!

and with the competition process, i know i became stronger and more importantly, braver. i couldn't imagine any other way where i can experience God working in this area. and all the events that led to this has helped me face my fears with more determination to conquer them. God has been truly faithful, and there's no way i can doubt Him again after what He has done for me this round. no matter what happens, His words will remain true and His promises are always fulfilled.

if i were to do this again.. maybe. if God would then call me to compete, who am i to say no?

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world.. so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, 'Let the one who boasts, boasts in the Lord.'" - 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 ESV

the journey to #bravery2013

AAAAAND IT IS FINALLY CONFIRMED!

surreal, yes, it's still surreal. legit, but surreal.

i received this confirmation email a few hours ago after having our forms submitted straight in HK through Shek's mom. i still can't believe that i'm really gonna be competing this August, that i will in fact BRAVE it. God has been so faithful to me for the past weeks, leading me to be at peace with the thought of competition. He first provided for my plane fare + registration fee (just out of nowhere!), and then giving me an assurance of being able to nail those Italian fouettes (during my birthday, indeed wish granted!). even during rehearsals today, i was able to finish the fouettes in 3 consecutive runs of the variation. sige na talaga, surrender na ako kay God!

God is taking me further and beyond my limits this year. going through this is really a major MAJOR breakthrough for me. and it hasn't been easy. i've been down for so many times, my body has been failing too, and i've been really tight with my finances now, knowing the costs i need to cover. looking into it from my own point of view, i know i won't make it. i will tremble in fear and drown in frustrations. but my God is greater than all these, and since He was the one who directed me onto this path, i know He will not forsake me.

and as Teacher Chelo would say, the PROCESS is the most important prize. and i believe God has far more rewards for me than just the medals and titles. so here's to a journey of bravery - of conquering fears and increasing in faith, of experiencing fulfilled promises! let's do this together, my Lord!

"So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." 

- Isaiah 41:10

Scripture reassures us, "No one who trusts God like this - heart and soul - will ever regret it."

..the same God for all of us, acting the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help. 
"Everyone who calls 'Help, God!' gets help."

- Romans 10:11-13, MSG

PS. please keep me in your prayers. it would really help a lot and i would be forever grateful. <3 a total of 13 or 14 will be going from our camp to compete, so please include them as well. Acts Manila represent, woo! :")

The Promises of 2012

everything about this year was too fast, too full. memories of good and not-so-good times filled the year. moments of joy and pain, challenges and victories, breakthroughs and setbacks brought so much color into this year. i experienced tears from pain i never had before, but at the same time new found happiness that kept me alive. i am most grateful this year for God's peace, for with whatever i went through, i felt secure. i felt His comforting hand touching my heart and giving me hope and strength.

and in all of those times, i held on and moved on with life because of the words that kept me going. the power of daily Bible reading and prayer is indeed strong; it really made me stand during down times and made my heart humble on those times i was on a high.

as this year ends, i decided to share on this blog the words that encouraged me this year. as some would reminisce of the best memories, i thought of looking back into how God has been faithful to me through His word. if there was one thing that remained consistent the year in my life, it was His promises. i've had gained much this year, but i lost a few too. this year allowed me to grow and be strengthened in Him.

i started off this year (and blog, hehe) claiming that this would be a year of fulfilling God's promises. and true enough, His words became alive in my life. :)

Psalm 30:5
"For his anger lasts inly a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Habbakkuk 3:19
"The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like a feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."

Luke 4:18-19
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Mark 10:27
"With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

Isaiah 40:29-31
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Psalm 9:10
"..for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."

Philippians 4:7
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Job 5:18
"For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal."

Romans 8:38 (NLT)
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love."

James 1:3
"..because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

1 Corinthians 15:57-58
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

2 Corinthians 4:16-17
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

Nehemiah 8:10
"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

Psalm 18:30
"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him."

Hebrews 11:40
"God had planned something better for us so that only together with us they would be made perfect."

to end this year and on to starting the new one, this is the word i have received:

"So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." - Isaiah 41:10

this 2012 has been a year of strengthening, preparations for greater things ahead. this coming year, looking forward to conquering fears and developing courage. facing 2013 with nothing but faith and more promises of a better future.

grateful how 2012 made me strong.

and to a braver year ahead - CHEERS 2013!

"God has brought you too far to leave you where you are. He has something great in your future!"
- Joel Osteen

under God's grace

when this day started, i never expected it would turn out the way it did.

i was assigned to substitute for classes in Makati, somewhere i wasn't familiar with. i said yes yesterday as i got clear instructions on how to get there. around 6am, i woke up to the sound of heavy rains. i really don't like rains at all; i've never been a fan of rainy days (i'm grateful for them and at times i do admire them, but really not a "rain-person", if there's such thing). while half-awake, i was praying really hard that it would stop, thinking about what i have to go through this day.

when i finally woke up around 9am to prepare myself and get ready, the rain isn't getting better. i felt so stressed and started worrying too much about what might happen to me. yes, i even thought of getting stranded in that unknown place, with no one to call and rescue me. (my brain in total panic mode, haha!) i even asked if the classes are suspended, but sadly i got "no" for an answer. i prayed REALLY hard for one thing: please let the rain stop, dear Lord.

and.. it wasn't stopping. from time to time, it was getting harder and harder, which made me get really stressed. feeling so helpless, tears suddenly fell from my eyes. i didn't know anymore what to pray for. when Teacher Chelo called me, i had nothing to say; i didn't know if i would want to back out or just go through this. her prayer strengthened me, and her words of encouragement allowed me to "give it a try". when the rain calmed down, i finally decided to leave the house.

while i was still in the south area, it was still raining. not as hard, but my prayer of asking it to stop still unanswered. approaching Makati area, the skies were brighter and clearer - i had hope. when i got off the bus, i was relieved to see and feel no rain. God has answered me. while walking along Jupiter Street to find the building, i suddenly found a Serenitea store. i smiled thinking, God loves me. i bought myself mango milk tea (i LOVE their mix of mango milk tea! so good!) to comfort me that stressful morning. when i finally got to find the building (it wasn't too far walk, and not so hard to find, thank God!), i still had time to grab some lunch and calm myself down. time check: sometime before 12:30, class is still at 2. while inside Starbucks having lunch, i was trying to compose and relax myself. i'm grateful that i was able to get where i'm supposed to be - on time, no rain, and i have milk tea. :")

but my worries didn't stop, despite having experienced already God's goodness. the day wasn't over - i still had to rush back to Alabang for modern class. thoughts of rain and getting stranded still bugging me. when i finally finished the last class at 5pm, i first looked outside the window for any signs of rain. there was none. i felt relieved. as what Teacher Chelo said reminded me earlier that day, God will cover me no matter what happens. upon reaching the south, i suddenly felt the feeling of being "home" - safe and secure. nothing beats the feeling of being in a familiar place.

looking back on what happened today, i just felt i was under God's grace the whole time. His way of not answering my prayer of letting the rain stop right away made me trust in Him more. during my helplessness, He carried me through. He proved to me that He is greater than my fears, and most of all, i am not, and will never be, alone.

one thing i need to learn is to trust God RIGHT AWAY. my own fears took over before my trust in Him. i can hear God saying now, "I've done so many unexpected things for you already, how come you still don't trust me right away?" with everything that happened this day already behind me, i can finally see how panicky and fearful i was, hehe. but i'm really grateful that despite me not getting God's lesson right away, God has been really patient in dealing with me.

and, nothing beats the feeling of realizing that you are under the grace of God - bounded and protected by His love. keep my heart, O Lord, quick to trust in You and my ears swift to hear Your comforting voice.

that sign of love in where i thought was a "hopeless" place.
thank you Lord for that Sereni-treat! :")

I am Your work of art.

for the past days, i have been feeling frustrated with my dancing. yes, me. you might think, why? they say i have the "perfect" body for it, being thin, muscular, and strong.

but.. i don't want to be JUST the body.

i felt frustrated because even though i do everything "technically correct", there was something missing. there was something lacking that makes me unnoticed. that's where frustration hits me. i know i will never be good enough, but i cannot feel any progress.

i was told i was thinking too much. i was challenged to let my heart out. tried it out, i felt more frustrated. i cannot not think, i get so lost. i was so conscious to let go. crying out to God every night, i asked Him why i feel this. where is my heart going wrong?

and then today (tuesday) arrived. this morning, i had an encouraging word from God. i also held on to that feeling He gave me that there would be something good that will happen today. i prayed and asked God to just let Him work through.

and so He did. through a guest dance missionary, Juanine Sampson, He gave answers to all my questions. it allowed me discover purpose in dancing and how to minister through it. and to my most important question of where is my heart going wrong, He answered me with: "prayer and preparation".

we were given time to just rest in God's presence earlier and just seek Him. and from there on, i felt God moving. through the music "Work of Art", He gave these words:

"You are my work of art. You. I molded you to be perfect in form and created you to be technically good. There was nothing missing nor wrong when I created you. All I need from you is to show how beautiful and colorful I made you to be. Don't be afraid of losing yourself, for when they look at you, they won't see you, but who I am. You are my work of art."

with those words, i felt my breakthrough. i was humbled knowing God was the one at work in me. i was strengthened when He told me that people will see Him through me. and as a follow-up, He assured me with, "When you prepare and pray for something, what can go wrong?"

dancing as worship isn't about the technical aspect, but your soul and spirit leading others to Him. being technically good is the bonus part because people will consider watching and looking at you. my being square is not an accident, nor a negative point on my part (though i really thought at this point that it was). God showed me that my being "square" will be the one that would capture the eyes of the audience, and how i dance would captivate their hearts.

"When you dance, something should turn."

book 1/12: If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat

If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat
by John Ortberg

i first learned of this book from Crae (followandreblog) in tumblr when she mentioned about it in one of her posts. i got curious about it because of its title and the lines she's been quoting from the book. i thought that it would be really helpful for a scurdycat like me to know what it takes to follow God's calling and fulfill His purpose. and last year, i've been hearing the line "getting out of the boat" so often from our ballet teacher, since we had this huge breakthrough as a company for Acts Manila.

i started reading this book end december of last year, and finished sometime early january. planned to blog about it after i finished reading it, but the article writings i have now just takes so much of my computer time, haha. the book tackled faith and trust issues, fear, discerning God's calling, handling discouragements, patience, and of course, the blessings that come with fulfilling God's plan. there was no hesitation when i got this book from the bookstore (OMF bookstore in BF Pergola! love that place ♥). i felt it was really timely and i needed encouragements as i walk in this journey of following God. anyway, here are some of the lines that hit encouraged me the most. btw, i have this habit of underlining sentences as i encounter them while reading to help me remember important words or lessons. mehehehe, nerd much.

on courage and fear of failure.

"Courage alone is not enough; it must be accompanied by wisdom and discernment." - Chapter 1, On Water-Walking

"Each time you get out of the boat, you become a little more likely to get out the next time. It's not that the fear goes away, but that you get used to living with fear. You realize that it does not have the power to destroy you." - Chapter 1, On Water-Walking

 "The worst failure is not to sink in the waves. The worst failure is to never get out of the boat." - Chapter 1, On Water-Walking

 "..when you fail- and you will fail sometimes- Jesus will be there to pick you up. You will not fail alone." - Chapter 1, On Water-Walking

these next lines made me realize deeper why i'm where i am right now. this section on career and calling made me realize the importance of living with purpose. my dream career would be working for a magazine in no less than New York City. (yup, The Devil Wears Prada is the movie-peg of my life, haha!) but because God has called me, i am here. i chose to be here right now because i discovered that God has placed me here, with a mission to fulfill.

"A calling is something you discover, not something you choose." - Chapter 3, Discerning the Call

 "..calling is 'the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need.'" - Chapter 3, Discerning the Call

"What work brings you joy? For what do you have desire and passion- for these, too, are gift from God. This is why giftedness is about more than just talents- it includes passion." - Chapter 3, Discerning the Call

"A calling, which is something I do for God, is replaced a career, which threatens to become my god. A career is something I choose for myself; a calling is something I receive. A career is something I do for myself; a calling is something I do for God. A career promises status, money, or power; a calling generally promises difficulty and even some suffering- and the opportunity to be used by God. A career is upward mobility, a calling generally leads to downward mobility." - Chapter 3, Discerning the Call 

 "A career may end with retirement and lots of 'toys.' A calling isn't over until the day you die. The rewards of a career may be quite visible, but they are temporary. The significance of a calling lasts for eternity. A career can be disrupted by any number of events- but not a calling. When God calls people, he enables them to fulfill their callings even in the most unlikely circumstances." - Chapter 3, Discerning the Call

encouraging words on faith, trusting God, obedience, hope, and waiting.

"Never try to have more faith- just get to know God better. And because God is faithful, the better you know him, the more you will trust him. The way to get to know his trustworthiness is to risk obeying him." - Chapter 4, Walking on Water

"Maybe God is calling you to trust him at some point of frustration in your life. Trust him. No one ever regretted trusting Christ more- ever." - Chapter 4, Walking on Water

 "I believe the reason God says 'fear not' so often is that fear will sink us faster than anything else. Fear disrupts faith and becomes the biggest obstacle to trusting and obeying God." - Chapter 6, Crying Out in Fear

"You can risk being fully honest with God for a very important reason: God is never a God of discouragement." - Chapter 7, That Sinking Feeling 

"Whenever Jesus calls someone to get out of the boat, he gives the power to walk on water."- Chapter 8, Focusing on Jesus

"Hope does not prevent me from expecting the worst- 'the worst is what the hopeful are prepared for.'" - Chapter 8, Focusing on Jesus

"..what God does in us while we wait is as important as what it is we are waiting for." - Chapter 9, Learning to Wait

"..we are waiting on God. Therefore we can trust his wisdom and timing. We can wait with confidence. Because waiting reminds us that we are waiting for someone, the single most important activity in waiting is prayer. Prayer allows us to wait without worry." - Chapter 9, Learning to Wait

"God's voice is never frantic. When you hear desperate thoughts, you can know it is not God speaking." - Chapter 9, Learning to Wait

"..every time you walk on the water, each time you trust God and seek to discern and obey his calling in your life, your God will bet bigger, and your worship will grow deeper, richer, and stronger." - Chapter 10, How Big is Your God? 

this book gave my heart enough encouragements to go on fulfilling God's plan. life hasn't been easy, and i don't think it will get easier. but one thing i've been learning is to go through it strong. there are more fears i have to conquer as i go through the waters, but i know God is in control. this book enlightened me with truths that i can hold on as i go through life walking with God.

If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat. being in the boat is settling. there is comfort and there are no risks, but where's the excitement, the adventure? it's out in the waters. growth is there. JESUS IS THERE. "The water may be dark, wet, and dangerous. But Jesus is not in the boat."

i encourage you to read this book, and living your life won't be the same.

a few good stuff

and so 2 days after fasting.. the stress began.

but before i look into the stressful events, i shall take time to remember and appreciate the few (but memorable) good stuff that has happened since the start of this year.

1) i got hired as the marketing assistant + company manager for Acts Manila (the company) and ACTS School for the Performing Arts (the school). now added to my so many other roles.

2) shekinah ciudad, my best friend since middle school, is back to dancing with us! hi shekishake, i lalalalaove you! this made me really SO happy. original company, we'll be all together again someday.

3) Palms ballet is now under me.. officially. having been teaching there since i was 3rd year high school, the directorship has been transferred to me now (after 5 something years).

4.) i've been getting encouraging words from God. with the book i'm currently finishing, i get to challenge myself to face anything and be braver. it's not only that i can walk on water, but actually jump out of the boat and not worry how deep i'd be falling. my faith is again put to challenge, and i believe i will come out stronger.

5.) i'm surviving living through the grace of God each day, and i know that will always be enough to be grateful for.

and on some lighter note..
6.) BonChon is finally open in town! YAY FOR BONCHON IN THE SOUTH!!! can't wait for Banapple to be open as well!

7.) i lost 3 pounds! i know but.. it just feels good to lose some weight. pagbigyan niyo na ako matuwa, k. :")

thank you Lord for a good start for this year. here's for more to come.
please, don't let me freak out too much because of the workload stress. help me keep calm and.. keri lang.

Lord, I'm amazed by You..

ended the 7-day fasting tonight by attending the breaking the fast prayer meeting in VCF alabang. i really wanted to attend this one because last year, it gave me a refreshing feeling after the fast. true enough, i felt the same way and more.. i felt strengthened, renewed, hopeful, and fearless.

i committed to fast from twitter and facebook for the whole 7 days and from having only one meal a day on some days that i had less dancing and teaching load. and yes, i proved that i can survive (a week!) without twitter and facebook, though admittedly i missed twitter A LOT. i prevented myself from venting out, from sharing whatever's on my brain, hahaha. and i think what helped me the most is having this prayer and fasting graphic as my wallpaper. it reminded me not to open those two sites, and there's no excuse for "accidentally" forgetting.

my fasting week wallpaper + prayer points for the day

anyway, if there's one thing that God has really taught me during this fast is to (this may sound funny, but srsly).. REST. before 2011 ended, He gave me a word about enlargement. as the year opened, i received promotions and added workload. no complains! in fact, im grateful for all that i've been receiving. i know it was from God and His timing isn't bad for His plan. but of course, my brain is stressed. though physically, there's not much demand yet, but my brain is already starting to worry about possible demanding workload.

ever since the fasting week started friday last week, i've been sleeping early. early as in before 12 midnight, and the latest of that "early" bed time being before 1am. that was unusual because considering last december, i've been sleeping sometime between 3-4am.. doing nothing. 

God used my time of "weakness" to make me rest. i remember also reading from a book that during our time of rest is when God works in us. i'm the type of person who is always on the go; i don't like waiting, i don't like wasting time. i'd always find something to do and i'd always accept every opportunity to just do something. what God has taught me is this: let Him take control. i need time to "rest", to inquire of God and to wait on Him. 

enlargement was the word i got as 2011 ended. resting was what i learned as the year opened. in reality, they are really opposites. and for now, these words doesn't make much sense to me. i still have 354 days to know what this is all about. for 7 days, He showed me His love, proved His control, and provided His grace. and for the rest of the year, i'll hold on to these experiences as i continue seeking for answered prayers and miracles.

Lord, I'm amazed by You.. how You love me.